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There's no drama, no fighting. You've been together for years, raised kids and pets.
The love is still there, but the spark just isn't. As months drift into years, you realize: You're in a sexless marriage. Most married couples don't really know what to expect of a long-term relationship, says Diane Solee, MSW, a former marriage counselor who is the founder and director of Smartmarriages.
In a way, you should be smug about it," Solee tells WebMD. You're not going to alcohol or cocaine treatment classes. You are in a very good place. Realizing all that, your job is to get out of the doldrums. You may have gotten into a rut. There's more at stake than simply boredom. Very often, couples are headed toward a bigger disconnect in the marriage -- and possibly divorce, says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology, psychiatryand behavioral medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle.
s you're in the marital doldrums: "You're leading parallel lives, and don't see each other anymore," she tells WebMD. Those are really big problems, and you've got to tend to them. A sharp tongue is a red flag of growing frustration in a passionless marriage, Schwartz adds.
It may not happen all the time, but it happens often. It's because people start to feel neglected, disappointed. They had expectations of what marriage should be like, and this is not what they'd hoped for. In fact, boredom is very often a cover-up for anger and disappointment, Schwartz explains.
I'm not talking about deep therapy; it can happen in one or two visits. But there has to be a refocusing on the relationship First step: Be realistic. If you're looking for the swept-off-your feet sex of those first few years, dream on. And a new partner certainly isn't the solution.
Three years later, you'll have the same sizzle-less marriage you have right now. Take stock of what you want, she advises. If you want a sex life, then commit to making it happen, Foley says. Put aside the romanticized, silver-screen notions of sex, Foley says. Occasionally, they have sex that knocks it out of the ballpark. But they're having sex regularly. They're getting into bed, hugging and touching, canoodling as I call it, and they're doing it on a regular basis.
You've also got to set aside negative attitudes about your spouse. You have to decide, 'This is what I want, how do I proceed,'" she advises. Then, have "the talk" with your spouse. You have to be willing to say this to your partner: "We need to jazz up our sex life. We have fallen into some bad habits. I'm not going to settle for this level. We need to have sex, the same as we do other things that are important to us. We have to set aside time for it. If your partner is unwilling, here's Text chat sex looking for a treat dialogue: "We need to go for a brief round of counseling to get our priorities straight.
I'm not willing to settle for a relationship where you sit in a chair, pop a few beers, and our sex life is over. The stereotype of grumpy old men exists for a reason, Foley explains. Women complain to me -- I was ready to try these things, but I couldn't get my partner to do it.
Often, the irritability and crankiness is actually masking anxiety and depression. If your partner is downright snarly about it, then you've got to stand your ground. With therapy and the right medicationthe irritable anxiousness and depression can disappear. If your partner won't go to counseling, then you need to go alone, she says.
If you're both on the sameit's time you put sex on the schedule. Think of it as exercise, your regular workout -- whatever time of day you choose. After all, sexual health is an important part of general health, Foley says. When you're over 40, there's definitely a "use it or lose it" aspect to sex, she adds. You have to be committed to intimate time together. That doesn't mean every single time you take off your clothes and have sex.
But set aside time just for the two of you. Outside the bedroom, you must make time for each other. Take responsibility for doing something about it. You really owe it to yourself. Find new interests together.
Single people can follow their own interests. You don't want to send your partner off to a class alone. Mother Nature abhors the doldrums, so don't let someone else fill it. Trying something new requires a lot of focus -- and that's good for your sex life. People actually fall in love again. Between the sheets, keep things spontaneous and fun, she says. You get into bed with an attitude of good will. You don't have to have an attitude of 'complete hot.
Allow each other plenty of sensual time to get warmed up. When you're over 40, foreplay is important in building arousal and desire. After age 40, you need to give arousal more time. You get into bed, start doing it -- then you start feeling some physical arousal. That increases your desire, which increases more arousal. Also, your mind-set changes. Women start asking for what they want.
Couples should also develop a "sexual style," Solee tells WebMD. Early marital sex is essentially sex with a stranger. This is about letting your partner know you, and getting to know them, intimately. Marital sex can be hotter if you can develop an intimate sexual style with your marriage partner. Men: Viagra, Levitraor Cialis can be effective in men with erection problems, but if you have certain medical conditions or are taking certain medicines, you may not be able to use them.Adult Text Chat Operator-Preview!!!
Ladies: Don't fret if you're not feeling desire right away. Enjoy the process of becoming aroused. A vibrator can help with that, she advises. She may need a vibrator. If vaginal dryness and pain are issues, look into topical lubricants and moisturizers, Foley adds. Many vaginal products contain estrogen which can come in cream, vaginal ring, and vaginal tablet formulationwhich helps with dryness, irritation, and muscle tone in the area.
If you cannot take estrogenproducts like Replens or K-Y Jelly can help with lubrication. Keeping your marriage on track -- sexually and otherwise -- requires good communications skills, Solee adds. A therapist can guide you toward improving those skills, possibly recommending a marriage retreat. Take a marriage cruise or retreat or a wilderness workshop.Text chat sex looking for a treat
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